Amortentia
by Alice Prongs
Summary: Because she's Lily Evans, you're James Potter, and you're in love with her, but she's already got a boyfriend.
"Evans! Light of my life!" You hear Sirius say as he opens his arms and smiles, staring at a point over your shoulder. There's a little laugh, one that you know all too well, and you turn around.

There she is. All red hair and green eyes, smile on her face as your best friend hugs her in a way that you never could or would, but wished to. You feel Remus's hand on your shoulder, comforting, and you just know that Moony has that sympathetic little smile on his face, but you don't look at him because you can't stop looking at _her_. And she's laughing and teasing Padfoot and Marley and you wish she was like that with you as well. But she's not, she can't be, not yet. Because she's Lily Evans, you're James Potter, and you're in love with her, but she's already got a boyfriend.

You take a spearmint mint out of the tin in your pocket and put it in your mouth. You just know that any moment now the douche bag that she's in love with is going to appear. You know it, and you hate yourself for it. Because that's why you can't hug her as well. That's why you keep your distance. That's why you feel like your heart is being crushed to pieces every time you see her smiling at him in a way she never smiled at you. And it's not her fault and you know it, there's no one to blame but yourself. Not even stupid Diggory, as much of an idiot as he is, was guilty. You know it and you hate yourself for having been the arrogant prat you once were. You hate yourself for driving her away, even though you know that's the right thing to do.

You're shaken out of your thoughts as Remus nudges your shoulder lightly, and you stop staring at her, seeing Peter and Marley there, looking up at you with curiosity. There's the sound of footsteps and you feel like you might throw up, because Lily turns around and smiles _that_ smile. It's him. You can't look as the two of them greet each other in that pathetic in love's way (the way you wish she greeted you), so you excuse yourself, and push past your friends into the Potions classroom. Remus trails behind you and you feel Marlene's gaze on your back. She knows how you feel, but you don't dare turn around to see the look of pity in her eyes, you don't know if you could take it.

The image of Lily Evans snogging Amos Diggory just outside the classroom is already playing in your head. You sit on your chair and Moony takes his place beside you, sighing. You know that he's going to say something. You see him turning to you, but you keep your eyes focused on your desk as you arrange all your materials for class. You don't want to hear it, you already know it, you don't want to hear it.

"You can't keep acting like this forever, James." You don't answer him, you know there's more to be said. "She's going to notice it at some point, how you're avoiding her, and how you stare at her when you think she's not looking. Especially now that you two are becoming _friends_." You flinch at his last word. That's not the word you wished would describe your relationship with her, but he's right, of course, it's Moony, he's always right.

"What am I supposed to do, then? I can't stand seeing her with _him_ , you know that." You say, and you curse yourself for the way your voice falters. Remus opens his mouth to answer, but before he can say anything, you hear her laughter again, this time followed by another one. _His_ laughter. You close your eyes and breathe in deeply, praying to Merlin to give you the strength to live through this torture. You feel Moony's hand on your shoulder again and you open your eyes, looking at him. You can barely resist the instinct of just burying your face in your hands and staying like that for the rest of the day.

"James, listen, I know you like her, I do." It makes you want to laugh. You _like_ her. If only it was as simple as that. "But she's with Diggory, and, yeah, I have no idea why, but still. Lily is trying to be your friend since the beginning of the year. You two are supposed to put your pasts behind you, but it doesn't look like it when you can barely look her straight in the face. I mean, even Sirius is already close to her and…"

You interrupt him, because you still can't shake the couple's faces off your mind, and you've told yourself everything he's saying now more than once. "I _know_ that, Moony. All of that. And it kills me to stay away from her, but it kills me even more to stay close to her knowing that _he_ is going to arrive soon to take her away again. I can't do it. Not anymore."

"James…"

"And it's _exactly_ because we've been trying to be friends! Because before, when she hated me, it hurt to see her with someone else, but I could take it because I wouldn't have to listen to her ramble on and on about the great catch the bloke was. But being friends with her? It brings the torture to a whole new level." You want to punch something, some _one_ , but you force yourself to stay in your seat as you stare at Remus.

"I get that, Prongs, but Lily might not. And she might start to wonder why the hell you're avoiding her all of a sudden. You have to remember that, to her, you've gotten over whatever it was you felt for her a long while ago. So she probably won't understand your distance and, you know who we're dealing with here, if she sets her mind that she has to find out what's going on with you, she will, stubborn lass that she is. And then what?" You're spared of having to answer Remus as Professor Slughorn enters the room and all the chatter stops.

He starts his class, but you're barely paying attention. You can see her from the corner of your eye, red hair tied in a ponytail, like she wears it to class, her face fixed on the board and on Slughorn. You know she's absorbing every single word that comes out of the man's mouth, being the Potions' nerd that she is. You can even imagine the spark in her eye that comes from her fascination on the subject.

So you're not paying attention, until you hear that _one word_.

"Amortentia!"

You want to die. Of course that's what class would be about today, of course! You literally groan out loud, sinking your hands on your hair, and Remus nudges you, but you know no one heard because most of the girls are sighing, dreamy expressions on their faces. But not all of them, of course, one look to your side and you see Marley rolling her eyes and Lily laughing quietly at her. It makes you like her even more.

"Now, now, silence! Can someone tell me the properties of the Amortentia potion?" A few hands shoot up, but obviously Slughorn chooses his favorite. "Yes, Ms. Evans?"

"It's the strongest love potion in the world. It can be recognized by its mother-of-pearl sheen and by the steam that rises from it in characteristic spirals. It also smells differently to each person, according to what attracts them." She answers, her voice light and confident, as always.

"That's exactly right! Twenty points to Gryffindor for that perfect answer! Now, I have here an Amortentia potion ready, so, Ms. Evans, if you would please come here and give the class examples of what you smell." You feel like groaning again. You really, really, don't need to hear Lily describing Diggory's smell with a dreamy expression on her face. Just the thought of it makes you want to puke. Remus gives you a few friendly pats on the back, but you barely feel it. You're starting to think that Moony's not that good at comforting as you thought he was. Lily is already standing up, a slight blush on her cheeks, and walking to the front of the class. You just know that Diggory has that stupid smile of his on his face, and you just want to punch it away. She positions herself in front of the cauldron. Slughorn is smiling at her with pride, her _boyfriend_ is looking at her with a smug expression and Marlene stares at her with wide eyes. Lily takes a deep breath, and answers.

Her voice is small and not at all as confident as it had been before. "Right, so… I smell… Old books... Spearmint... And... A citrus scent." You freeze. Lily's blushing. No one in the class says a word, because she didn't say it. She didn't say vanilla. And everyone knew Diggory's smell, he was never one to spare on the perfume, and his favorite, for Merlin knows what reason, had always been vanilla.

Lily scurries back to her seat, her cheeks still flaming. You see Sirius and Peter laughing discreetly, Diggory with a frown on his face, Alice with a knowing look in her face whispering to Frank and Marley staring at Lily with a concerned expression. But Lily's words don't really sink in until Remus turns his head slowly at you, his eyes wide open. _Spearmint_. _Citrus_.

"James, that's…"

"Holy freaking _crap_ , Moony. I think I'm hallucinating." You babble, but the boy beside you only shakes his head. You don't let yourself get your hopes up, you can't, don't do it. But a smile is already taking over your lips.

"You're not, Prongs, but…" He starts, but your thoughts are racing and you don't let him finish.

"Old books. Spearmint. Citrus. No vanilla." You mumble ridiculously, but you can't believe it, it can't be true. Remus sighs.

"Yes, but…"

"Spearmint! She's talked about my addiction with spearmint mints more than once, about how my breath always smells like it and I… For Merlin's sake, what…" There are so many possibilities going through your head, so many explanations, because surely it can't be what you're thinking. Your hands don't stop moving, you're fidgeting like never before, messing up your hair and adjusting your glasses.

"James, listen…"

"Moony, my shampoo, however gay this might sound, is _citrus scented_. It has always been. How… I don't know what to think." You're almost laughing now, you feel your body getting taken over by mirth, by happiness. Spearmint! Citrus scent! No vanilla!

"You have to _stop_." It's the stern tone of Remus's voice that makes you actually pay attention to what he had been talking up until now and turn to him.

"What? But, I… You heard her, she…"

" _She_ is Lily Evans, and _she_ 's got a boyfriend. Who is _not_ you." You flinch again, Remus's words hitting close to home. Too close for your liking. He's right, and you know that, but you can't accept it.

" _She_ just freaking described _me_ as her Amortentia smell!" You let out anyway, because it's _true_ , you _know_ it, you _feel_ it.

"It doesn't matter! It might not even be what you think, James, so you can't just jump to conclusions and ruin Lily's relationship!" He hisses and your eyes widen. Ruin her relationship? You weren't going to do that… Right?

"I'm not going to…" But then you start thinking about it, and, really, what _were_ you going to do after all this?

"James, just –"

"SILENCE! Now, let's keep working on the subject. Open your books on page 238, please." After that, your classmates stop talking, the whispering slowly subduing. But you can't concentrate in anything anymore, not in Potions and not in any other subject for the rest of the day.

Your next class is Transfiguration but, as much as you love aunt Minnie, you couldn't care less about Complications in Iguana Transfiguration when Lily Evans is sitting two desks in front of you. And then comes lunch, and you only play with your food even as Remus scolds you for it and Sirius nudges you and asks what's wrong. You don't answer, though, two words playing and replaying through your head incessantly. Spearmint. Citrus. Spearmint. Citrus. It goes on like this for the rest of the day, until the moment you're leaving Charms, the last class of the day, heading to the Gryffindor Tower and you bump into _her_.

She looks up at you, her green eyes wide and surprised. She's blushing, and you can't help but have that _really_ inconvenient thought of how good she looked with that red shade on her cheeks.

" _James_." It's a whisper, coming out of her mouth, and Lily gathers herself up quickly after it. "I'm sorry, really, I wasn't looking where I was going and…"

"Don't worry about it, Lily, I…" She doesn't stop rambling, and you grab her by the arms to stop her. Lily jumps at your touch and looks up scared at you. "Hey! Lily, it's okay, alright?"

She scurries out of your grasp. "Yeah, okay, sorry, but I'm… I'm in a hurry, I need to go, I… See you later, James." You want to talk to her, you want an explanation, but before you can get any words out of your mouth, she's already out of your range, practically running up the hallway in the Astronomy Tower's direction.

You walk in a defeated step to the Common Room, your mind still taken over by wide green eyes and two words. You enter the portrait hole and you see Marlene and Alice sitting there in one of the couches, talking to each other in whispers. They stop as soon as they see you, but, as much as it makes you suspicious, you don't think you have enough strength or will to question it. Instead you only throw yourself on the armchair by them, letting out a breath that you didn't know you were holding.

"Everything alright there, James?" You hear Alice asking and you only nod in response.

You stay there for a few minutes, the girls chatting quietly beside you, until you realize you're fidgeting. Because she looked _scared_. Because she _ran away_ from you. Because you need to know where she went. Because you need to understand what's happening. Because you need to _talk_ to her. Because you need a _map_.

Before you realize it, you already jumped up, scaring the girls slightly, and you're on your way to your dormitory. It's empty, so you immediately grab the Marauder's Map from your things. _"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good_."

Your eyes run wildly through the map, looking for the dot _'Lily Evans'_. When you two parted ways, she went in the general direction of the Astronomy Tower, so you look there. And you find her. But she's not alone. There's an _'Amos Diggory'_ in front of her, and you want to puke all over again. Of course she's with him. Of course.

But then, suddenly, Diggory's dot gets away from Lily's rapidly. He leaves the Tower, but she stays there. And as they get farther and farther away from each other, you don't understand what's happening. You stare at Lily, frozen in place, for five more minutes before you make your decision and grab your cloak and the map.

You walk down the stairs and exit the Common Room, taking quick and decided steps before your resolve falters and you change your mind. You can't change your mind. You won't. You need to talk to her. You need to understand. _Spearmint_. _Citrus_. And it's with that on your mind that you arrive at the Tower and you see her.

She's sitting in a corner, her legs bended as she hugs them. You can tell she's sad by the sag on her shoulders and by her lost gaze as she stares into space. You take off the Invisibility Cloak silently and you fold the map, whispering " _mischief managed_ " and tucking it into your robes. She still doesn't notice you there, standing on the doorway, so you walk and sit down beside her. She finally turns her face and looks at you. Her emerald eyes are wide again and, even if it doesn't look like she had been crying, you feel like wrapping your arms around her and telling her everything is going to be okay. But you don't. Not yet anyway.

"Hey." It's what you manage to get out, and you want to hit yourself because _'hey'_ is so not what she needs to hear right now. Your disappointment in yourself is probably clear in your face, because a small humorous smile appears in her lips.

"Hey." She says back, leaning her head on the stone wall behind her.

"You okay?" You almost hit yourself again, because she's obviously not, you _moron_ , why do you even ask these stupid questions?

"Yes. No. I don't know." She sighs and closes her eyes, and you stop looking at her, because, seriously, those inconvenient thoughts about how pretty and perfect she looks were coming back and you really needed to focus right now.

You want to ask her about him, but you can't say that you were stalking them through the map, so instead you make up something else that's rather more acceptable. "Does it have something to do with Diggory?"

"Kind of, yeah." Her voice doesn't break as she says it like you thought it would when you talked about him, and, even if it shouldn't, that gives you a small surge of confidence that allows you to let out that one phrase you wanted to say ever since you arrived.

"I saw that he was here with you." She opens her eyes and looks at you.

"He was. We just broke up." You try to stop your heart from doing happy somersaults in your chest, but you can't, the news lifting your mood way too much. But you know the girl beside you isn't happy, so you don't show it.

"Why?" You ask, even if it's probably not your business. But you can't help it, you can never help it when it comes to Lily Evans and she just told you she broke up with her boyfriend and you want to believe that you know why. You _hope_ that you know why, but you need her to say it.

"We fought. He's upset I didn't describe him when I smelled the Amortentia." Her voice doesn't reveal her emotions, she's closing up, and you can't let her do that. You have to break the ice.

"I'm glad you didn't describe him. His vanilla smell makes me sick. And he's a douche." You try to convey a playful tone, you try to hide the truthfulness behind his words, but you don't know if you've made a very good job at it.

"So are you." She says lightly and there's a small smile on her lips again, but you don't answer her. You're gathering up all your Gryffindor courage because this is _it_ , this is the moment. You shuffle through your pants' pockets and you take out your spearmint mints tin. You hold it in your hand and stare at it. You know she's staring at it too. So you say it.

"You described me." You can't help the hopeful and hesitant tones that your voice takes. You turn slowly to look at her, just to make sure. "Didn't you?"

She doesn't look back at you when she says it. "I described you."

Your heart is almost jumping out of your chest right now, and you have to count to ten so as to not let out a full blown smile at her confession. You know now is not the time to go a step further. She just broke up with her boyfriend, for Merlin's sake! And because of that you control yourself. She lays her head on your shoulder and lets go of her legs, visibly relaxing. She breathes deeply and you don't see it, but you have a feeling that small smile is back on her face, so you allow yourself to say one last thing.

"I didn't smell that potion, but I'm pretty sure that if I had, I would have described you too."

The only answer you get from her is a small chuckle.

Two weeks later you kiss her for the first time and it's the single greatest moment of your entire life. You wrap your arms around her waist and she drowns her hands in your hair and it's just so much better than all the times you dreamed of it. When you two are finally able to disconnect your mouths from each other for a second, she lets out a little laugh and it hits directly your pride.

"What are you laughing about?" You sound offended and she laughs at you again, giving you a little peck before answering.

"I knew you'd taste like spearmint mint." That's all she's able to get out before you're pressing your lips to hers again.

You smile into the kiss.


End file.
